It was my fault for making such a post to begin with. If only I understood these simple concepts myself, I wouldn't have to ask for help...
I'll see you then. Thank you.
[And so, after grabbing the warmest blanket he can find, Eichi heads up to the roof. It's fairly early, and he's closer to the top, so he knows he'll be first. That's fine. He ends up standing near a certain batch of flowers, clinging to the blanket wrapped around him and his silk pajamas, his free hand touching to the petals.
These flowers have been here since the start, just about, too.]
[ in the end, ryuu decides to leave his phone behind in ye xiu's hands to do whatever he likes. what's done is done now, though some things still feel a little incomplete. with that motivating him, he makes it to the roof not long after, similarly in bedtime clothes - soft sweats and a hoodie. the door opens on its hinges to herald his otherwise quiet footsteps, and shuts just as quietly behind him.
there's a wealth of sights from the top of the apartments. the rest of level 2 and its sleepy illumination, calmer than its neighboring levels, other buildings rising into the night, the empty streets down below. the tang of ozone hangs in the air, and there are no moons.
of course, there's only one place ryuu's attention really is, so he stops short of eichi, remembering to breathe out. ]
[ For once, Eichi doesn’t bother putting a smile on to face Ryuu. He doesn’t even face him yet, other than a brief glance over that’s then pushed back on the flowers in front of him. ]
Am I being selfish?
[ He skips right to asking, running his fingers carefully down from the petals to the soil, testing it with a few pokes. ]
To make this about me when really it’s his feelings that have been hurt. I understand him, after all... The desire to reach a dream, the irritation at a broken system, the jealousy. Even seeing someone I know getting along with someone else still fills me with feelings like “are they better with them than me?” or “perhaps I’m being replaced.”
But there’s no correct solution. It seems no matter what I do or say, it’s all the same. I’m accused of trying to take the high ground falsely, of being the one abandoning him.
You're human. Our hearts wouldn't be so important if they didn't feel things that strongly... even if the feelings are frustrating, or the things that cause us suffering. Any one of us are like that.
[ shifting on his feet, is fingers flex inside his jacket pockets, and he glances up. ]
Besides, it is about you. It's just about him, too.
Mm. And for the both of us, I wonder if I’m really something that should be able to be near him. His important person vanished from this place, and just when I thought I’d comforted him, it seems that I accidentally poured salt in the wound.
[ Ugh. He’s extra angsty tonight... accented by him taking one of the blooming flowers of this garden he loves so much and closing his fingers around it, crushing it.
Does this answer the are you okay question ]
Even when I’m not trying to be, it seems that I’m still a poison. There’s no solution for me, is there, Ryuu-kun? No matter how you might mask it with hopes, no matter how things may be temporarily improved, they always, always...
[ He trails off, staring at his hand as he opens it to let the petals fall into the soil and the wind. ]
[ ryuu can't help but wince at the sight of the flower being crushed. loud and clear.
to see such a display, eichi taking out his frustrations on something that he's sure he would normally love, ryuu knows he's must be more upset than he'd been before. attempts to mediate had been temporary fixes, ceasefires rather than white flags. hope's on the line, after all, and there's a lot of static to wade through, all loud voices and louder uncertainty.
gaze on eichi's palm rather than the descending petals, his voice lowers, thoughtful. ]
[ That at least gets Eichi to pause, staring sadly at the damage he’s done before pulling his hand back to himself. He holds the blanket with both hands now, pulling it tighter with the chill and partially hiding his chin in his sulking.
And then he turns to face Ryuu properly. ]
That’s not fair. How can he feel that way when I’m always reaching out?
I can't say that I understand it completely, but... isn't that something? You're always reaching out.
[ and realizing he's stating the obvious, ryuu chews over how to explain what he's thinking. he's never been the best at conceptualizing his emotions in an overly eloquent way, but - he came up here to try, didn't he?
taking a breath and a step forward, he approaches the ledge of the building, removing his hands from his pockets and placing them on the lip. ]
Remember when I told you that I was sure that there are people who don't want you go somewhere they can't follow?
[Eichi watches him quietly as he speaks, and as he moves. He does sincerely want to understand this, and he does think that Ryuu may be one of the best people to turn to for this. He understands emotions so well, doesn't he? He seems so in tune with them. He's mature about them.
It makes him so... envious.]
I do recall.
[He keeps the blanket wrapped tight around himself, but stays back a little, watching Ryuu from behind rather than feeling like he can approach him or move beside him.]
Are you saying that's how he must feel? He can follow me here. He's refused to take my hand to help him up, but then he won't move to stand on his own, either.
You might think he can, but it's probably more complicated than that for him. I'm sure he's frustrated too.
[ ryuu can't deny it must seem unfair. there's every avenue to stand by eichi, and yet nights like tonight still happen. fights, misunderstandings, desperate vies for attention without really being heard. tenn and gaku had always been on either side of him with plenty to clash on, but their group held them together. ultimately, they all wanted the same things. couldn't this be the same...? ryuu has to wonder. ]
I don't know him as well as you do, but he seems like the type to not want to be pitied. He must want to feel like he can stand on his own.
[ his chin tips into the breeze flowing upwards from the streets below. ]
It's not easy to accept, but right now, there's a big difference between the two of you.
[Hesitantly, Eichi steps up next to Ryuu, eyes focused on his face rather than anything else.]
Do you mean the distance between us due to my success?
[It's honestly him checking, since he finds himself misunderstanding so many things. He's not smiling, but at least he looks a little less in immediate despair as he considers this quietly.]
Those things must be true, of course. They're things I understand myself. I believe this distance can't be closed by anyone other than him. That's true, isn't it? But if I try to encourage him through my usual methods, I worry that he'll only be pushed away...
Rather, I suppose I should say that whether I push or pull or do nothing, there's nothing that improves.
[ listening, ryuu's heart aches. it really is a difficult situation to have to watch unfold, not knowing exactly how to mend the rifts. he can't imagine being on either end of it, though he's no stranger to the growing pains of success. ]
...It's difficult to be patient with, but I don't think it's a distance that's unable to be crossed.
[ if he looks away, he risks abandonment. if he looks to, he risks pity. in the middle, something genuine exists. ]
I see. I wonder if I'll be able to cross it in time...
[In time for what? Well, he doesn't say anything else. He just moves his eyes away from Ryuu and to the sky, quiet for a long moment before he speaks up. It's quiet, almost hesitant, but:]
Ryuu-kun. It may be a childish request, but is it fine to ask for a hug at a time like this?
[ it's one of those moments where ryuu manages his worldliness elegantly enough, thinking to himself - it's not a lost cause. most things never are, to him, but he sees a lot of good in what could be, even if it's a lot of hard work, or will take struggling to achieve. maybe if he knew where shuu was coming from...
eichi's voice breaks through his reverie, and his palms slide on the ledge as he shifts his stance and leans away from it. without a second thought, he reaches one of his arms out. ]
[How simple. Without a thought, without worry or hesitation, he can offer that to him. Ryuu doesn't stop to think about causing potential jealousy, or enabling childish behavior, or anything else. It's just a request for a hug, and an unconditional acceptance.
Eichi thinks he's needed that for a long time. He hasn't really thought about it until now.
But he moves without a word, wrapping his arms around Ryuu and pressing his face straight into his chest. Wholesomely, for once. He just wants to hug, to curl his fingers into the back of his shirt, to breathe him in and not think about anything else.
Without worrying about being "weak" or "needy" or "undeserving," for just this quick moment... Is that fine? Maybe it's fine.]
[ it's fine. at least that's what the air about him says, when ryuu doesn't say anything at all. it's always been difficult to find the right words... sliding back and forth between overthinking and saying the first thing that comes to mind. but something like this is easier, more true to his real nature. it's just that opportunity comes along so rarely, to sink into a moment like this without having to steal it, to wonder who's looking.
his arms wind around eichi and pull him into a tight squeeze, blotting out the sounds of the city below and the windy, moonless sky above. of course there are worries, things for him to think about. he can't erase the hurtful things that have been said. this is just the more immediate thing ryuu can do to help.
tucking his face into his hair, ryuu closes his eyes and relaxes. he doesn't want to part so quickly either, gaining as much from his as eichi is. ]
[Eichi doesn't know how long he actually stays like this, but it feels like forever. Minutes, maybe...? Each second stretches, but Ryuu is warm, the cold air doesn't hit him as hard, and he smells nice, familiar. It's comforting. Much more comforting than the flowers he took his upset out on just now— to be honest, he's still not sure if he should mourn the crushed petals of one bloom or not.
He breathes slowly, steadily, and once he feels better, he turns his face a little in the hug to be able to speak clearer, though he doesn't let go.]
Of all the people I've hugged, yours have to be the best, Ryuu-kun. You put your whole heart into it... so it doesn't feel as though I'm merely placing my hands against the glass of a window.
[He squeezes his own arms around him a slight bit more. Things will work out. He can find himself thinking it more and more, like this. How simple... Maybe it's a little stupid. Or maybe it's that he was being stupid before?
But Shuu is always like this, he thinks, so at the very least he feels a little more calm on it, in the moment.]
Even if I'm feeling a bit better now, I don't want to let go. ♪
[ his breathing comes deep and steady, though a chuckle echoes through it a moment after eichi's arms tighten, making the warmth trapped between them bloom anew. ryuu gives him a return squeeze and a nuzzle to emphasize the closeness, the affection he feels at its simplest. ]
You don't have to, then. This is what it's supposed to feel like.
[ not to accuse anyone of hugging wrong, but. he loves this sensation too much to just let it go.
and as if responding to those unspoken thoughts, those ounces of tension sheared away by the way they touch, he tips his chin and lowers his voice. ]
[There's still plenty that he's afraid of. Losing all of these meaningful relationships, being left behind, alone. Having none of this matter. That they're all empty promises, every one of them, like he's learned from past experiences, but... it's unlike him to stay focused on one sad thought so long that he can't move forward.
Rather, isn't it in the middle of fears like those that he moves forward the most? He just has to make sure that he doesn't make the same mistakes. That he doesn't take anything for granted.]
It's nice to not have to wear that mask of "Emperor"... [Relying on people like this... He wouldn't have been able to imagine it before. But he's becoming more and more okay with allowing these feelings. He kisses Ryuu where he's buried his face in his chest, and the chroma that spreads from it feels like he's making his own flowers, here.]
I'll continue to rely on you to pull me out of these gloomy thoughts, Ryuu-kun. I feel completely at ease, now. ♪
[Even if the next days will be difficult, and even if his worries still give him nightmares... He can realize the importance of peace in the moment. It will last. Bit by bit.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'll see you then. Thank you.
[And so, after grabbing the warmest blanket he can find, Eichi heads up to the roof. It's fairly early, and he's closer to the top, so he knows he'll be first. That's fine. He ends up standing near a certain batch of flowers, clinging to the blanket wrapped around him and his silk pajamas, his free hand touching to the petals.
These flowers have been here since the start, just about, too.]
no subject
there's a wealth of sights from the top of the apartments. the rest of level 2 and its sleepy illumination, calmer than its neighboring levels, other buildings rising into the night, the empty streets down below. the tang of ozone hangs in the air, and there are no moons.
of course, there's only one place ryuu's attention really is, so he stops short of eichi, remembering to breathe out. ]
Hey. Are you okay?
no subject
Am I being selfish?
[ He skips right to asking, running his fingers carefully down from the petals to the soil, testing it with a few pokes. ]
To make this about me when really it’s his feelings that have been hurt. I understand him, after all... The desire to reach a dream, the irritation at a broken system, the jealousy. Even seeing someone I know getting along with someone else still fills me with feelings like “are they better with them than me?” or “perhaps I’m being replaced.”
But there’s no correct solution. It seems no matter what I do or say, it’s all the same. I’m accused of trying to take the high ground falsely, of being the one abandoning him.
no subject
[ shifting on his feet, is fingers flex inside his jacket pockets, and he glances up. ]
Besides, it is about you. It's just about him, too.
no subject
[ Ugh. He’s extra angsty tonight... accented by him taking one of the blooming flowers of this garden he loves so much and closing his fingers around it, crushing it.
Does this answer the are you okay question ]
Even when I’m not trying to be, it seems that I’m still a poison. There’s no solution for me, is there, Ryuu-kun? No matter how you might mask it with hopes, no matter how things may be temporarily improved, they always, always...
[ He trails off, staring at his hand as he opens it to let the petals fall into the soil and the wind. ]
no subject
to see such a display, eichi taking out his frustrations on something that he's sure he would normally love, ryuu knows he's must be more upset than he'd been before. attempts to mediate had been temporary fixes, ceasefires rather than white flags. hope's on the line, after all, and there's a lot of static to wade through, all loud voices and louder uncertainty.
gaze on eichi's palm rather than the descending petals, his voice lowers, thoughtful. ]
I wonder if it's that Shuu feels the same way.
no subject
And then he turns to face Ryuu properly. ]
That’s not fair. How can he feel that way when I’m always reaching out?
no subject
[ and realizing he's stating the obvious, ryuu chews over how to explain what he's thinking. he's never been the best at conceptualizing his emotions in an overly eloquent way, but - he came up here to try, didn't he?
taking a breath and a step forward, he approaches the ledge of the building, removing his hands from his pockets and placing them on the lip. ]
Remember when I told you that I was sure that there are people who don't want you go somewhere they can't follow?
no subject
It makes him so... envious.]
I do recall.
[He keeps the blanket wrapped tight around himself, but stays back a little, watching Ryuu from behind rather than feeling like he can approach him or move beside him.]
Are you saying that's how he must feel? He can follow me here. He's refused to take my hand to help him up, but then he won't move to stand on his own, either.
no subject
[ ryuu can't deny it must seem unfair. there's every avenue to stand by eichi, and yet nights like tonight still happen. fights, misunderstandings, desperate vies for attention without really being heard. tenn and gaku had always been on either side of him with plenty to clash on, but their group held them together. ultimately, they all wanted the same things. couldn't this be the same...? ryuu has to wonder. ]
I don't know him as well as you do, but he seems like the type to not want to be pitied. He must want to feel like he can stand on his own.
[ his chin tips into the breeze flowing upwards from the streets below. ]
It's not easy to accept, but right now, there's a big difference between the two of you.
no subject
Do you mean the distance between us due to my success?
[It's honestly him checking, since he finds himself misunderstanding so many things. He's not smiling, but at least he looks a little less in immediate despair as he considers this quietly.]
Those things must be true, of course. They're things I understand myself. I believe this distance can't be closed by anyone other than him. That's true, isn't it? But if I try to encourage him through my usual methods, I worry that he'll only be pushed away...
Rather, I suppose I should say that whether I push or pull or do nothing, there's nothing that improves.
no subject
...It's difficult to be patient with, but I don't think it's a distance that's unable to be crossed.
[ if he looks away, he risks abandonment. if he looks to, he risks pity. in the middle, something genuine exists. ]
no subject
[In time for what? Well, he doesn't say anything else. He just moves his eyes away from Ryuu and to the sky, quiet for a long moment before he speaks up. It's quiet, almost hesitant, but:]
Ryuu-kun. It may be a childish request, but is it fine to ask for a hug at a time like this?
no subject
eichi's voice breaks through his reverie, and his palms slide on the ledge as he shifts his stance and leans away from it. without a second thought, he reaches one of his arms out. ]
Of course it's fine.
no subject
Eichi thinks he's needed that for a long time. He hasn't really thought about it until now.
But he moves without a word, wrapping his arms around Ryuu and pressing his face straight into his chest. Wholesomely, for once. He just wants to hug, to curl his fingers into the back of his shirt, to breathe him in and not think about anything else.
Without worrying about being "weak" or "needy" or "undeserving," for just this quick moment... Is that fine? Maybe it's fine.]
no subject
his arms wind around eichi and pull him into a tight squeeze, blotting out the sounds of the city below and the windy, moonless sky above. of course there are worries, things for him to think about. he can't erase the hurtful things that have been said. this is just the more immediate thing ryuu can do to help.
tucking his face into his hair, ryuu closes his eyes and relaxes. he doesn't want to part so quickly either, gaining as much from his as eichi is. ]
no subject
He breathes slowly, steadily, and once he feels better, he turns his face a little in the hug to be able to speak clearer, though he doesn't let go.]
Of all the people I've hugged, yours have to be the best, Ryuu-kun. You put your whole heart into it... so it doesn't feel as though I'm merely placing my hands against the glass of a window.
[He squeezes his own arms around him a slight bit more. Things will work out. He can find himself thinking it more and more, like this. How simple... Maybe it's a little stupid. Or maybe it's that he was being stupid before?
But Shuu is always like this, he thinks, so at the very least he feels a little more calm on it, in the moment.]
Even if I'm feeling a bit better now, I don't want to let go. ♪
no subject
You don't have to, then. This is what it's supposed to feel like.
[ not to accuse anyone of hugging wrong, but. he loves this sensation too much to just let it go.
and as if responding to those unspoken thoughts, those ounces of tension sheared away by the way they touch, he tips his chin and lowers his voice. ]
Bit by bit... I'm sure things will turn out okay.
no subject
[There's still plenty that he's afraid of. Losing all of these meaningful relationships, being left behind, alone. Having none of this matter. That they're all empty promises, every one of them, like he's learned from past experiences, but... it's unlike him to stay focused on one sad thought so long that he can't move forward.
Rather, isn't it in the middle of fears like those that he moves forward the most? He just has to make sure that he doesn't make the same mistakes. That he doesn't take anything for granted.]
It's nice to not have to wear that mask of "Emperor"... [Relying on people like this... He wouldn't have been able to imagine it before. But he's becoming more and more okay with allowing these feelings. He kisses Ryuu where he's buried his face in his chest, and the chroma that spreads from it feels like he's making his own flowers, here.]
I'll continue to rely on you to pull me out of these gloomy thoughts, Ryuu-kun. I feel completely at ease, now. ♪
[Even if the next days will be difficult, and even if his worries still give him nightmares... He can realize the importance of peace in the moment. It will last. Bit by bit.]