[ hearing gaku's voice inviting him in, ryuu opens the door and shuts it against quietly. he's brought more water, and a bottle of aspirin - he knows what's up by now, and that gaku's probably in for a hell of a time in a few hours. depositing his items on the countertop, he ventures over to the couch. he's just dressed in whatever he was sleeping in, rolled up sweats and a t-shirt, a hoodie thrown over it all.
gently, he sits down on the couch by gaku's legs. ]
Hey. I'm here.
[ he'll ask questions if he needs to, but he figures he ought to give gaku the opportunity to go first. ]
[Thanks to the powers that be for Ryuu. He looks great, even if he's in his PJs, and Gaku manages a smile.]
Hey. I'm sobering up, I'm just... It's a lot.
[He's drunk enough to laugh right into this.]
I was somewhere else before. I mean, another place like this one, but... not good. Well, not like this. A lot worse. I haven't said a lot about it, but there are a few people here who were there, too.
[ ryuu gives him the time he needs, letting his presence be something more anchoring than usual. he's so reactive, but he knows when to be calm. this situation is so out of the ordinary that he can't help but be mindful alongside curious. ]
I've heard that before. [ eichi comes to mind. ] This place can get pretty extreme, but I've never felt like it was meant to put us in danger.
[Gaku needs it. He hasn't stopped to process that place, like it was just a particularly awful nightmare.]
No, this place is different. That place... they did things to you and Tenn, and I'm pretty sure they killed some people... no, that wasn't my point. Sorry. It's not the important part. Shit, how do I say this? [He can't just come out and say he thinks he has a thing for Tenn. Neither of them remember that place. This is so pointless. He's silent, then he huffs quietly and looks at his hands.] I kind of... accidentally figured out I like guys, too, and it was... a lot. I was freaked out. And then I came here and it was Cordis moon and I found Ritsu laying in the hallway, and I just... caved. I guess. But the thing is, I actually like him... it's scary. What if I ruin his reputation, or get rumors started about him, or hurt him? Thinking about that doesn't do any good, I know. There are a dozen reasons why I shouldn't have done it, though. I'm a damn idiot.
[ that's a lot to hurtle through in the amount of time gaku takes to get from point A to point... maybe E, or F, but ryuu does his best to try and pare it out to get to the heart of the issue. though the mention of being somewhere dangerous enough that people were getting killed is alarming, he understands right now that that's not entirely the focus.
ryuu has a lot of unconditional love, so maybe it seems less strange to him, but he's also never put it under the lens of being allowed to love who he wants as an idol.
for the most part, it was never a possibility enough to factor in. which was fine before, but now... ]
So it was Ritsu-kun... it's because you're a responsible person that you feel that way, Gaku. You have more honor than anyone else I know. Of course you'd take being under the influence of a Moonblessing to heart. Not everyone starts out here knowing how hard they are to control. [ a pause. ] And not everyone is so kind like you are, to question it. But it sounds like it wasn't only that, either.
[ which is a legitimate fear he doesn't want to undermine. he gets it - in his companionable silence, he gets it. ]
[Like Ryuu said, he's honorable. He cares about the effect he has on others. He cares extra because he's an idol. Looking at Ryuu with dull eyes, he sighs. This is hard on him, because he's hard on himself. Because his standards are so high. Because he cares so deeply.
What he did to Tsumugi? It might have mostly blown over, but wasn't he wrong to like her in the first place?]
I should just move on from all that, right? Stop beating myself up because I made a mistake. But here I am doing worse. Instead of learning my lesson, I asked a guy out.
[He looks at his hands, curling his fingers into fists.]
More than that, I even hurt him on the triple moon. I didn't know what to do and I lost control entirely. How did I become this bad of a guy?
Well, if you really like him, I can't see why you wouldn't have asked him out... it's not only the moons doing that, is it? I can tell.
[ gaku only gets this fiery and self-deprecating when something really important is on the line, after all. sighing, ryuu leans back and bumps himself into gakus legs as a way to try and get him to release some tension. ]
It's not just the moons. I realized it the day I made the promo video. That I spend as much of my time with him as I can. So... I took him out for cake, just to see if it was all in my head. We held hands and I don't think I've ever been looked at like that in my life.
[He's smiling now, even if it's a little bittersweet. And when Ryuu touches him, he finally lets the tension roll off, leaning back beside him.]
What a cute picture. You look happy too... that's the Gaku I like to see.
[ so. ryuu hums, thinking on how to get there. ]
I think you ought to trust in what Ritsu-kun tells you, too. But until then, it'd be good if we could figure out how to calm you down during Sanguis. Do you want me to help?
[He gazes fondly at the picture. It's funny how someone managed to get into his head so fast.]
He's incredible, Ryuu. I mean it. I'm hooked.
[But Ryuu's on to something with that, and Gaku nods. Of course he's going to trust Ritsu, but at the same time, hurting him is beyond Gaku's desires and the last thing he'd ever even want. He thinks, anyway.]
If you're offering, I'll take it. You're usually pretty soothing. Ah, except when we're both like that we get kind of...
[ gaku just bringing it up makes ryuu color somewhat, the tilt of his laugh turning bashful. but it's fine. they're sitting here like this, and though so much is different, some of those different things felt right with gaku, and so much is still the same, too. ]
I know. But I think if I had something to focus on, I could do it! Actually, I'm sure I could.
[Gaku doesn't know how to read the situation sometimes, but at least he tried to be gentle with bringing it up. Not that it was bad going a bit wild with Ryuu. It was less terrifying in the aftermath by far than when he did it to Ritsu.
Things are different here. Gaku knows that. He'll have to accept it all, little by little, and deal with things as they come at him. But for now, he'll look to Ryuu's kindness as a bit of a sanctuary.]
Alright, then we'll come up with a strategy. We can... play a game, or rehearse a little extra. Keep ourselves occupied or exhausted enough to not want to chase the urges. That might work, right?
We won't know unless we give it a shot. We're good at that.
[ fondly, ryuu leans back, giving gaku's legs a gentle knock. ]
So, we can try a little of everything until we figure something out. [ it's still a lot to think back on, and a lot to navigate forward through, but ryuu has a stable, accepting heart. just sitting here with gaku does wonders for him. ] I might like the idea of rehearsing the most, though.
[Still a bit tipsy, Gaku draws his legs up slightly and turns toward Ryuu, planting his forehead on the man's broad shoulder.]
Rehearsing gives us the most returns. We can't lose, doing that. It better work, or I'm going to be pissed. [A beat.] Not at you. Just at this place in general. I didn't ask for this.
[ the gesture makes ryuu start a bit, but his ease into it is twice as comfortable. with a chuckle, ryuu reaches up to lay a hand on his back. gaku may not know it, but it's the second time he's eased his homesickness just by - well, being there. ]
It'll be okay! At the very least we'll have gotten a practice in, in that case!
[Gaku is normally so driven here that he hardly has time to feel homesick. No, it's more like he won't allow it. It doesn't accomplish anything. And as sentimental as he is, and how glad that TRIGGER recovered back home, the present is his to master, and their future is on his shoulders. Maybe that's why he feels so bad about doing something as selfish as falling for someone. At least here, it isn't as much of a sin. It's just... he can't shake that about home, of all damn things.
But here's Ryuu, soothing in ways he couldn't be at home, and Gaku treasures it.]
Yep. That's what I'm thinking. Being productive ought to keep me out of trouble, right? And if I'm around you... ah, I mean, I'll have to talk to Ritsu about it, but we can always... Go off on each other. That sounds terrible. You know I love you, Ryuu.
Honestly... I wonder if work was ever enough to keep us out of trouble. We managed to do both pretty well, now that I think about it.
[ of course, he's being a little tongue in cheek, but he supposes it doesn't hurt to juxtapose fond memories of troublemaking over... well, the types of things they can get up to here. haven gotten up to. of course, he's just himself right now, so his face goes all warm.
for a lot of reasons. ]
Yeah. I love you too, Gaku. Don't worry. I'm not as scared of it with you, either.
[ they've already come out on the other side of sanguis once. he's all in. ]
[He smiles at Ryuu's mention of not being scared. It's nice to know he can help, really. That he's not just a loose cannon and a liability, even when he's at his least controlled.]
I know I'm ten times worse than I am at home when it's Sanguis. Tenn's gonna give me hell if he ever sees me like that, but I know it'll happen eventually.
[He falls silent, looking up at the ceiling.]
I oughta turn in. I'm taking Ritsu out for brunch tomorrow. [A grin.] What the hell. I really like him... [A hand covers his face for a moment.] You don't have to walk back. You can stay with me tonight, if you don't mind sharing the bed. I can't make you sleep on the couch after I woke you up so late.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
thanks i just got home
sorry ryuu
you're the best
no subject
looks at the time
hm. ]
Anytime, Gaku. Are you hungry? Do you want me to bring you anything?
no subject
i'm okay i think
actually i'd take someone to task for some soba right now
[Comfort food.]
no subject
I'll be there soon. Hold tight, okay?
no subject
Come in, it's open.
no subject
gently, he sits down on the couch by gaku's legs. ]
Hey. I'm here.
[ he'll ask questions if he needs to, but he figures he ought to give gaku the opportunity to go first. ]
no subject
Hey. I'm sobering up, I'm just... It's a lot.
[He's drunk enough to laugh right into this.]
I was somewhere else before. I mean, another place like this one, but... not good. Well, not like this. A lot worse. I haven't said a lot about it, but there are a few people here who were there, too.
no subject
I've heard that before. [ eichi comes to mind. ] This place can get pretty extreme, but I've never felt like it was meant to put us in danger.
no subject
No, this place is different. That place... they did things to you and Tenn, and I'm pretty sure they killed some people... no, that wasn't my point. Sorry. It's not the important part. Shit, how do I say this? [He can't just come out and say he thinks he has a thing for Tenn. Neither of them remember that place. This is so pointless. He's silent, then he huffs quietly and looks at his hands.] I kind of... accidentally figured out I like guys, too, and it was... a lot. I was freaked out. And then I came here and it was Cordis moon and I found Ritsu laying in the hallway, and I just... caved. I guess. But the thing is, I actually like him... it's scary. What if I ruin his reputation, or get rumors started about him, or hurt him? Thinking about that doesn't do any good, I know. There are a dozen reasons why I shouldn't have done it, though. I'm a damn idiot.
no subject
ryuu has a lot of unconditional love, so maybe it seems less strange to him, but he's also never put it under the lens of being allowed to love who he wants as an idol.
for the most part, it was never a possibility enough to factor in. which was fine before, but now... ]
So it was Ritsu-kun... it's because you're a responsible person that you feel that way, Gaku. You have more honor than anyone else I know. Of course you'd take being under the influence of a Moonblessing to heart. Not everyone starts out here knowing how hard they are to control. [ a pause. ] And not everyone is so kind like you are, to question it. But it sounds like it wasn't only that, either.
[ which is a legitimate fear he doesn't want to undermine. he gets it - in his companionable silence, he gets it. ]
You're worried about rumors here too...?
no subject
[Like Ryuu said, he's honorable. He cares about the effect he has on others. He cares extra because he's an idol. Looking at Ryuu with dull eyes, he sighs. This is hard on him, because he's hard on himself. Because his standards are so high. Because he cares so deeply.
What he did to Tsumugi? It might have mostly blown over, but wasn't he wrong to like her in the first place?]
I should just move on from all that, right? Stop beating myself up because I made a mistake. But here I am doing worse. Instead of learning my lesson, I asked a guy out.
[He looks at his hands, curling his fingers into fists.]
More than that, I even hurt him on the triple moon. I didn't know what to do and I lost control entirely. How did I become this bad of a guy?
no subject
[ gaku only gets this fiery and self-deprecating when something really important is on the line, after all. sighing, ryuu leans back and bumps himself into gakus legs as a way to try and get him to release some tension. ]
What did he say to you?
no subject
[He's smiling now, even if it's a little bittersweet. And when Ryuu touches him, he finally lets the tension roll off, leaning back beside him.]
What did he say? When?
no subject
When you asked him out! Yes, obviously. Right?
[ gaku please these are the important details. ]
no subject
Yeah. He said yes. And I'm gonna make it count.
[He pulls out his phone and pulls up a picture, a selfie of the two of them from earlier in the night. He turns the phone toward Ryuu with a smile.]
Look at him.
no subject
What a cute picture. You look happy too... that's the Gaku I like to see.
[ so. ryuu hums, thinking on how to get there. ]
I think you ought to trust in what Ritsu-kun tells you, too. But until then, it'd be good if we could figure out how to calm you down during Sanguis. Do you want me to help?
no subject
He's incredible, Ryuu. I mean it. I'm hooked.
[But Ryuu's on to something with that, and Gaku nods. Of course he's going to trust Ritsu, but at the same time, hurting him is beyond Gaku's desires and the last thing he'd ever even want. He thinks, anyway.]
If you're offering, I'll take it. You're usually pretty soothing. Ah, except when we're both like that we get kind of...
no subject
I know. But I think if I had something to focus on, I could do it! Actually, I'm sure I could.
[ because it's for gaku, he has no doubts. ]
no subject
Things are different here. Gaku knows that. He'll have to accept it all, little by little, and deal with things as they come at him. But for now, he'll look to Ryuu's kindness as a bit of a sanctuary.]
Alright, then we'll come up with a strategy. We can... play a game, or rehearse a little extra. Keep ourselves occupied or exhausted enough to not want to chase the urges. That might work, right?
no subject
[ fondly, ryuu leans back, giving gaku's legs a gentle knock. ]
So, we can try a little of everything until we figure something out. [ it's still a lot to think back on, and a lot to navigate forward through, but ryuu has a stable, accepting heart. just sitting here with gaku does wonders for him. ] I might like the idea of rehearsing the most, though.
no subject
Rehearsing gives us the most returns. We can't lose, doing that. It better work, or I'm going to be pissed. [A beat.] Not at you. Just at this place in general. I didn't ask for this.
no subject
It'll be okay! At the very least we'll have gotten a practice in, in that case!
[ there's looking on the bright side
and then there's ryuu. ]
no subject
But here's Ryuu, soothing in ways he couldn't be at home, and Gaku treasures it.]
Yep. That's what I'm thinking. Being productive ought to keep me out of trouble, right? And if I'm around you... ah, I mean, I'll have to talk to Ritsu about it, but we can always... Go off on each other. That sounds terrible. You know I love you, Ryuu.
no subject
[ of course, he's being a little tongue in cheek, but he supposes it doesn't hurt to juxtapose fond memories of troublemaking over... well, the types of things they can get up to here. haven gotten up to. of course, he's just himself right now, so his face goes all warm.
for a lot of reasons. ]
Yeah. I love you too, Gaku. Don't worry. I'm not as scared of it with you, either.
[ they've already come out on the other side of sanguis once. he's all in. ]
no subject
I know I'm ten times worse than I am at home when it's Sanguis. Tenn's gonna give me hell if he ever sees me like that, but I know it'll happen eventually.
[He falls silent, looking up at the ceiling.]
I oughta turn in. I'm taking Ritsu out for brunch tomorrow. [A grin.] What the hell. I really like him... [A hand covers his face for a moment.] You don't have to walk back. You can stay with me tonight, if you don't mind sharing the bed. I can't make you sleep on the couch after I woke you up so late.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)