[Ryuu is still here, still warm, still giving him full attention. It's incredible, even if he doesn't deserve it, and there's no escaping it. He can only try to tilt his head down so much when he's lying down like this, and with the comforting motions, Eichi only finds himself wanting to draw closer.
Against every thought in his mind trying to stop himself from appearing too needy in this moment, his hand moves closer, subtly, leaving barely any space between fingertips and Ryuu's body.
After a pause, like he's debating on what to answer that with, Eichi gives a small nod.]
It's almost always the same dream, like a never ending hell. I suppose that's a bit dramatic to say, though...
[He can't do it... He can't sit here and get this treatment and not fall into it. So he turns his body to bring himself as close to Ryuu as he can, an arm wrapping around him as he takes in a deep breath.]
[ eichi finally drawing in closer of his own accord makes ryuu relax beneath his arm. laying back down, ryuu exhales and moves to get an arm around him likewise, tugging him in gently and easing the spaces between them out. tucking his chin into his hair, breath puffing against the soft strands, he smiles a bit. ]
I know I talk a lot, but I'm good about keeping what happens when I share a bed with someone to myself.
[ willfully honest or delightfully obtuse... it's anyone's guess.
still, with his tears wiped away, ryuu instead lets the weight of his arm and the serenity of his body come into focus instead. ]
But it's not like you can just walk away from a dream whenever you want to.
[ sometimes it takes more than that, to escape hell - it takes reaching out, or a fight. ]
[Ah... He presses his face more into Ryuu, nose nudging against the skin of his throat as he lets out a little sigh. Half to calm himself, half for all he's done. His heart twists at the concern, or what he thinks must be concern in that wording— to be honest, he's not sure he completely understands what is being said, but...]
There was a reality that no one could walk away from, either. [That's all he can think, fingers curling where they hold Ryuu close, eyes closing, and even now, the images haven't vanished. Wataru's performance, the boos and faces of the crowd, Tsumugi's expression as they performed, and the fading look of all of his unitmates as they left him to fall on stage, alone, into the arms of his enemy.]
It can't be that I'm the only one dealing with nightmares. [...] But it's only me who deserves it. Please understand that, Ryuu-kun. You shouldn't be comforting me. It only makes me want to selfishly cling on like this, you know?
You're probably not the only one. [ ryuu can agree with that, adjusting his head on the pillow slightly once eichi brushes against his throat. ] But you are the one in front of me right now.
[ so it's not to say that ryuu's picking sides in this struggle that he only has glimpses of, caught in the spaces between eichi's usual bravery and brightness, only that - he's just doing what he can, when he can. there have even been enemies he's had in his lifetime that he hasn't turned away, so it'd be unthinkable to do so to a friend.
his fingers walk soothing motions across the small of his back. ]
So if you're asking me to turn away... sorry, but I can't do that.
[It does soothe. All of it does... but it's all something he can't comprehend. Is it just because Ryuu doesn't understand what he did? But Ryuu should understand better than anyone, even with the limited information. It's because he's a good person? But it's not deserved. But...]
Is it okay? [His voice is even softer, a strange sort of insecurity that Eichi never lets slip into his voice cracking through in this weak moment not many find him in.] To feel relieved that you won't. I wonder...
It should be fine, if it's like this, right? For a little bit... For just this moment, right now. [To be held, to let himself be held... that sort of thing. It's fine if it's just tonight, right? That's what he wants to believe. It's what he wants, selfishly.]
[ ryuu would do anything to make him feel better. but even if that wasn't the case, everyone deserves the chance to be heard, to have what they want acknowledged. it's only because it's such a simple thing to give that it digs so deep, as if something's got its fist curled right around his heart. a strange mix of emotions wells up in his chest, as if forced out by that gripping sensation.
relief at being shown such a human face, even if it's out of fear, sympathy for the punishment he must feel like he deserves. sadness that something so easy to give seems so hard to ask for. maybe it's just because he's so fond of him that he feels it all so intensely. ]
Yeah, it's okay. However long you'll let me is fine.
[ pulling away would be like letting the nightmare continue, wouldn't it?
moving his other arm out from beneath him, he rolls his shoulder a bit and reaches out to get that one slipped around eichi too. ]
[Another arm around him... He could really cry over this. He doesn't, he won't allow himself to, but he feels the same feeling in his chest, overwhelming, painful and relieving all at once. "However long you'll let me," he says, as if it's not him letting Eichi do the clinging. And he can't help but take advantage, right?
He forces himself to take in a slow, focused breath, shaky as it is.]
I'm fine now. [He wants to say that, to say that he could wake up or go back to sleep and ignore it like usual. But, if he's being indulged...]
I was horrible, you know. I couldn't grasp those right in front of me who wished to be friends, who believed we were. Thinking that it was a transaction, I used them like tools and wrote a contract that discarded them as soon as their use was finished...
So they discarded me all the same, in the end. I nearly collapsed on that last stage, and I recall the looks in their eyes as they glanced back before walking away without a word. It was my enemy who caught me. I had pushed myself far too hard, back then, and nearly died. It was so bad that my fans thought that I did.
I'm stuck seeing those old comrades time and time again, not responding no matter how much I call out to them. I'm left surrounded by empty darkness without an answer from anywhere. Lately, even if more faces appear, none of them call back or reach out to me, you know?
I haven't even told Keito about what this recurring nightmare is, though he can probably imagine it for himself. Do you suppose I'll have to continue to see it for the rest of my life?
[ he listens to those words breaking on him like night waves on a shoreline. ceaseless, vast. unending, because there's no indication where the horizon ends and those depths begin. it must be terrifying, to take that plunge again and again.
ryuu can't defend behavior that eichi doesn't defend either. there are some things in the world that are unforgivable, it's true... but in the same vein - it doesn't mean there can't be grieving. atonement. it weighs on his heart to think there was a point where he could have really died like that, with such images as the only thing to remember something as precious as life by.
he's quiet and still, save the back and forth motions of his thumbs on eichi's back. ]
I can't say I know for sure. I don't have that answer. But I do know what you do with the hours you're awake matter. People see you.
[ he sees it in the way he works, the way he pushes forward, how he treasures their rivalry without making it a matter of friend and foe. ]
[It's what Eichi thinks he deserves, and it's certainly what's fair— having even a kind person like Ryuu not speaking up to blindly forgive or shout reassurances when he doesn't know the whole story. He would hate it if he did, but it stings that he doesn't... What sense does that make? At least Eichi realizes it's a childish sort of reaction.
The motion against his back is drowning it out, anyway. It's comforting... He's never had someone focus so much on something quite like this.]
By "changed my mind," what part do you mean, exactly?
Well... [ he swallows, though he's certain eichi can feel it. lifting his head in thought and then settling it back down again in a slightly different spot, he can speak more clearly in spite of his tone remaining quiet. ] Somewhere along the way...
People stopped being things you could use, right? It seems like you want to be close to others.
[ at least, it seems that way to him. ]
You must have had a change of heart.
[ maybe it's more apt to say that's what changed, rather than his mind. ]
[So that's what he meant. He feels the swallow, the shift in the air, and after a brief pause, pulls back enough so that he can see Ryuu's face. It would be too selfish to bury his face closer still right now, he thinks.]
How shall I put this... I've always wanted to be close to others.
[He wonders if that's surprising to hear, from someone like him. If he might not be believed. If others would doubt it. But he says it simply, a little softly, fingers relaxing behind Ryuu so they don't grip so hard.]
But I grew up without any friends. I was hospitalized more often than not, and there was only Keito, who was the boy meant to arrange my funeral... Everything was centered around two things: my inheritance of the family business, and my death.
I'm not trying to excuse myself. Rather, I was something of a fool. I was blindly focused on my goal, and I assumed that others viewed relationships in the same way that I did. I thought I was being used as well. For two of the members, that was true. I was giving Hiyori-kun money, and Nagisa-kun connections. At that time, I thought that "friendship" was just a word for these connections that my father had always spoken about... Money could solve everything. That's how I thought.
The moment I realized I was wrong... Before that last concert as the old fine, Tsumugi confronted me about the contract. He said he'd never read it before... When I realized that he wasn't waiting for my money, but genuinely wanted to be my friend, I realized my mistake. It was too late. He wouldn't speak to me on that stage. Our voices didn't line up like they normally did, and the look on his face...
[His fingers have curled again, and he has to force them relaxed, breathing out.]
I should have simply allowed myself to go to karaoke with him, and enjoy our youth. Instead, I took things too seriously and couldn't look away. It wasn't a change of mind, or heart, but a realization of a multitude of huge mistakes that couldn't be fixed, you see.
[ it's the first time he's heard it all in one go without anything to soothe the rawness over save his presence. ryuu is quiet and his heartbeat is deep. he has to wonder if he's really enough, just like he is, to help ease a young lifetime's worth of mistakes. not all are excusable, even knowing the reason... but an explanation goes a long way. to know that it was a misunderstanding born at the same time eichi was makes ryuu confident that his trust hasn't been misplaced.
tipping his head forward, ryuu touches his brow to eichi's as a way of keeping them both centered. ]
It sounds like you've been punishing yourself enough, so I won't do it too.
[ he's calm and evenly keeled - acknowledging the faults without deepening them. ]
You're a human too. Those bonds you had will turn into scars, eventually. You may not like to talk about them much, but humans heal from even the most terrible and frustrating experiences... you have that capability. So do the people who were hurt.
[ it's part of what makes ryuu who he is, believing what he does: what's stronger than the human heart, which survives in spite of being broken over and over? ]
Everyone has the right to keep living through those things. So, I think you'll be okay.
[Eichi is impressed by how Ryuu always manages to sound so comforting, even when he's hearing the worst possible things. There's not an ounce of anger there, is there? Are there traces of upset, or is it something else? Eichi breathes it in, and then he places a hand gently against Ryuu's chest so that he can pull back and sit up. It's so comforting that it's almost suffocating; he can't make sense of it.]
My dream was to clean up that school. At the time, it did nothing for those students looking to graduate and enter the idol industry. The program was broken, relying on things like money over talent, allowing people to slack and skate by on the successes of others. I don't believe that what I did was wrong, but the path I took to achieve it...
I felt that it was the only choice. It wasn't the nice path laid out by storybooks and fairy tales. It led me waist deep through a sea of blood. There were selfish desires mixed in, as well, of course... I wanted to think that even someone sickly like myself could achieve something that grand. That I could rise above those so effortlessly talented who were at the top of the school and have them on their knees, all so that I could feel some ounce of self worth.
Wataru was one of those Five Eccentrics that I set up and then burned down, you know? To this day, I'm still not sure why he chose to follow me to fine.
[It's probably like 3am and he's here giving a monologue no matter how much Ryuu says "you did wrong but it's okay." It's not so easy for him to shake, or comprehend. He still doesn't get people.]
It feels in poor taste to say that I should have to "heal" from anything when I'm the one who created this revolution to start. [He sighs, and finally glances back over.]
I already tasted an embarrassing defeat in retribution. Yet somehow, I am okay... I'm surrounded by such warm presences. No matter what you're saying now, it feels as if you'll all shatter and blow away in the wind if I grow too close.
[Dramatic wording, but Ryuu is roped in that statement too— in other words, he thinks he can't possibly deserve to heal or have this, he doesn't understand it, so it must be fake somewhere, it must end somewhere. Right? He's still back and forth on this.]
I'm sorry. This isn't something that I should be troubling with, but you're kindly offering to listen and I can't resist it... I'm a terrible person, Ryuu-kun.
You might say that, that you're okay, but... it's still affecting you, isn't it?
[ once eichi's pulled away, ryuu leans up onto his elbow. he's still positioned below him, looking up, eyes pleading but also somehow strong. ]
You wouldn't be having these nightmares if you weren't still hurting somewhere, or afraid of being hurt. Or even hurting others.
[ with his free hand, he reaches up, curling his fingertips into eichi's hair by his ear, palm coming to rest on the contour of his cheek. ]
Whether it was a misunderstanding that lead to all those terrible things or something else, it's hurt people who hurt others. Maybe the reasons aren't things that can be justified or forgiven... but what amazing things can you do for others if you're still holding so tightly to these kinds of feelings, somewhere inside you?
[ of course, not everyone wants to toe that ledge and look down into the waiting chasm, but ryuu isn't so preoccupied with that thought. the way he sees it, the only way the people who are still around eichi won't blow away entirely is if the cracks he has dwelling inside of him are patched up rather than left to yawn wide and aching. ]
You love being an idol, don't you? You want to make people smile, right?
[He loves being an idol. He wants to make people smile, no matter what. The touch to the side of his head and face is so gentle that he's frozen by it, meeting Ryuu's eyes with his own, widened slightly with genuine emotion.]
I do. It was seeing those shining idols on stage that gave meaning to my life, and I'd like to create the same feeling in others. To have people stretching to reach what seems impossible, to make it seem as though it's easy.
[His hand reaches up to cover Ryuu's, a feather light touch.]
But I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I never want to take precious friendships for granted. I don't want to end up alone.
I believe that you're saying I shouldn't hold onto those feelings, but... do I have the right to let them go? Isn't that the same as casting the suffering of everyone else aside? For those who are too eager to forgive, especially...
[ his hand is sleep-warm and steady, not as tense for eichi's admittance. ]
Because you're an idol, you should pour all those things into your songs and dances. Everything - your worries, your regrets, your wishes. If you think it seems impossible to let go of those feelings, do it in a way that shows you're serious. Do what seems impossible with your whole heart, and no one will be able to look away from you.
[ and for eichi, there's nothing he approaches more seriously than being an idol worthy of following, of listening to, is there? ryuu thinks so. ]
Whether or not those people you're trying to apologize to accept it, if they're idols, they'll understand. I think you can do that.
...and when you've made mistakes that can't be taken back, the most important thing you can face the world with is love.
["Do what seems impossible with your whole heart, and no one will be able to look away from you." All of Ryuu's words slide directly into his heart and warm him from the core, but those ones especially turn on a light in the back of the dark spaces in his mind. Of course... his whole life has been doing the impossible, so why would this be any different?
It's not going to make the nightmares stop. It's not going to make him stop feeling bad. But... he thinks it might help him with a step towards those things. And maybe, even if more people like Leo appear who forget everything about what they worked out, he won't have to fumble nearly as much with trying to understand how to move forward. Maybe he can go to karaoke with Tsumugi now, even if it won't make up for the past. Things like that... little bits of happiness like that should be okay for him to chase, right?
To be honest, he's at a loss for words for once. It's a rare thing, though it matches with the fact that normally, the less he says, the more he's thinking. He has to react somehow, though, and so with a gentle smile, he lets his hand slip away from Ryuu's and then leans forward instead...
To fall into him for a hug so suddenly that it might even be enough to knock Ryuu off the arm propping him up. Love... He does love this world and everyone in it. He decided that after a lot of struggling with it. Trickstar had helped with that, too. The new fine, as well. The next time he's woken from a nightmare, he'll try to remember these words, even if he's alone in the moment...
[ never has it felt so good to have the wind knocked out of him. halfway barreled back onto his side, ryuu wraps his arms around eichi and squeezes him so tightly that he worries it might be too much, for a moment. but it's not, right? because he thinks he's finally gotten his point across in a way that he's satisfied with, in a manner that eichi can believe in. ryuu takes in a big breath and releases an even bigger breath, rolling them over into a tangle of warmth and sheets.
the world isn't often a kind place, but it's worth loving, to him. there's too much he loves in it to think otherwise, and his embrace is trying to convey that with every ounce of helpful strength he has. eichi is young. that world is at his fingertips. if he can see him grasp it, it'd have all been worth it. ]
I told you, didn't I?
[ he buries his face comfortably into his shoulder. ]
[Everything is warm, and he laughs into the tumble, but his face is the hottest right now. So reassuring... It's everything he's always wanted to hear that everyone else seems to struggle with. Because he's difficult to speak to? Because he attracts tsunderes? He's not really sure.
But it's so comforting. Ryuu's presence is so comforting... He tugs him as close as he can, legs shifting to bury themselves more beneath the covers, tangling with Ryuu's.]
You did tell me that. [Quietly, he says that, squeezing him right back.]
I think I can rest easy, after hearing that. [He's honestly so, so tired... His grip is already slipping a little to show that, eyes drifting closed.] You should go back to sleep now, as well... Ahh, you're so warm.
[ not being used to sleeping arrangements like this makes ryuu want to grasp onto the moment a little more. he's glad he's here, and that eichi is settling back in just as they are. it really is so warm, all fit together like this, leg for leg beneath the blankets. all the will to be alert and awake drops out of him almost as soon as eichi calms in his arms. something like this acts as a soothing blanket for his heart, too. ]
You're warm too. [ it's enough to hold him without a meandering touch this time. he closes his eyes, smiling a bit. ] Okay, just a couple more hours.
[ with a nod and a tuck of the blankets around them more snugly, ryuu sighs out something that's nearly half a yawn. ]
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Against every thought in his mind trying to stop himself from appearing too needy in this moment, his hand moves closer, subtly, leaving barely any space between fingertips and Ryuu's body.
After a pause, like he's debating on what to answer that with, Eichi gives a small nod.]
It's almost always the same dream, like a never ending hell. I suppose that's a bit dramatic to say, though...
[He can't do it... He can't sit here and get this treatment and not fall into it. So he turns his body to bring himself as close to Ryuu as he can, an arm wrapping around him as he takes in a deep breath.]
I'd like it if you could keep this a secret.
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I know I talk a lot, but I'm good about keeping what happens when I share a bed with someone to myself.
[ willfully honest or delightfully obtuse... it's anyone's guess.
still, with his tears wiped away, ryuu instead lets the weight of his arm and the serenity of his body come into focus instead. ]
But it's not like you can just walk away from a dream whenever you want to.
[ sometimes it takes more than that, to escape hell - it takes reaching out, or a fight. ]
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There was a reality that no one could walk away from, either. [That's all he can think, fingers curling where they hold Ryuu close, eyes closing, and even now, the images haven't vanished. Wataru's performance, the boos and faces of the crowd, Tsumugi's expression as they performed, and the fading look of all of his unitmates as they left him to fall on stage, alone, into the arms of his enemy.]
It can't be that I'm the only one dealing with nightmares. [...] But it's only me who deserves it. Please understand that, Ryuu-kun. You shouldn't be comforting me. It only makes me want to selfishly cling on like this, you know?
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[ so it's not to say that ryuu's picking sides in this struggle that he only has glimpses of, caught in the spaces between eichi's usual bravery and brightness, only that - he's just doing what he can, when he can. there have even been enemies he's had in his lifetime that he hasn't turned away, so it'd be unthinkable to do so to a friend.
his fingers walk soothing motions across the small of his back. ]
So if you're asking me to turn away... sorry, but I can't do that.
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[It does soothe. All of it does... but it's all something he can't comprehend. Is it just because Ryuu doesn't understand what he did? But Ryuu should understand better than anyone, even with the limited information. It's because he's a good person? But it's not deserved. But...]
Is it okay? [His voice is even softer, a strange sort of insecurity that Eichi never lets slip into his voice cracking through in this weak moment not many find him in.] To feel relieved that you won't. I wonder...
It should be fine, if it's like this, right? For a little bit... For just this moment, right now. [To be held, to let himself be held... that sort of thing. It's fine if it's just tonight, right? That's what he wants to believe. It's what he wants, selfishly.]
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relief at being shown such a human face, even if it's out of fear, sympathy for the punishment he must feel like he deserves. sadness that something so easy to give seems so hard to ask for. maybe it's just because he's so fond of him that he feels it all so intensely. ]
Yeah, it's okay. However long you'll let me is fine.
[ pulling away would be like letting the nightmare continue, wouldn't it?
moving his other arm out from beneath him, he rolls his shoulder a bit and reaches out to get that one slipped around eichi too. ]
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He forces himself to take in a slow, focused breath, shaky as it is.]
I'm fine now. [He wants to say that, to say that he could wake up or go back to sleep and ignore it like usual. But, if he's being indulged...]
I was horrible, you know. I couldn't grasp those right in front of me who wished to be friends, who believed we were. Thinking that it was a transaction, I used them like tools and wrote a contract that discarded them as soon as their use was finished...
So they discarded me all the same, in the end. I nearly collapsed on that last stage, and I recall the looks in their eyes as they glanced back before walking away without a word. It was my enemy who caught me. I had pushed myself far too hard, back then, and nearly died. It was so bad that my fans thought that I did.
I'm stuck seeing those old comrades time and time again, not responding no matter how much I call out to them. I'm left surrounded by empty darkness without an answer from anywhere. Lately, even if more faces appear, none of them call back or reach out to me, you know?
I haven't even told Keito about what this recurring nightmare is, though he can probably imagine it for himself. Do you suppose I'll have to continue to see it for the rest of my life?
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ryuu can't defend behavior that eichi doesn't defend either. there are some things in the world that are unforgivable, it's true... but in the same vein - it doesn't mean there can't be grieving. atonement. it weighs on his heart to think there was a point where he could have really died like that, with such images as the only thing to remember something as precious as life by.
he's quiet and still, save the back and forth motions of his thumbs on eichi's back. ]
I can't say I know for sure. I don't have that answer. But I do know what you do with the hours you're awake matter. People see you.
[ he sees it in the way he works, the way he pushes forward, how he treasures their rivalry without making it a matter of friend and foe. ]
What was it that changed your mind?
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The motion against his back is drowning it out, anyway. It's comforting... He's never had someone focus so much on something quite like this.]
By "changed my mind," what part do you mean, exactly?
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People stopped being things you could use, right? It seems like you want to be close to others.
[ at least, it seems that way to him. ]
You must have had a change of heart.
[ maybe it's more apt to say that's what changed, rather than his mind. ]
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[So that's what he meant. He feels the swallow, the shift in the air, and after a brief pause, pulls back enough so that he can see Ryuu's face. It would be too selfish to bury his face closer still right now, he thinks.]
How shall I put this... I've always wanted to be close to others.
[He wonders if that's surprising to hear, from someone like him. If he might not be believed. If others would doubt it. But he says it simply, a little softly, fingers relaxing behind Ryuu so they don't grip so hard.]
But I grew up without any friends. I was hospitalized more often than not, and there was only Keito, who was the boy meant to arrange my funeral... Everything was centered around two things: my inheritance of the family business, and my death.
I'm not trying to excuse myself. Rather, I was something of a fool. I was blindly focused on my goal, and I assumed that others viewed relationships in the same way that I did. I thought I was being used as well. For two of the members, that was true. I was giving Hiyori-kun money, and Nagisa-kun connections. At that time, I thought that "friendship" was just a word for these connections that my father had always spoken about... Money could solve everything. That's how I thought.
The moment I realized I was wrong... Before that last concert as the old fine, Tsumugi confronted me about the contract. He said he'd never read it before... When I realized that he wasn't waiting for my money, but genuinely wanted to be my friend, I realized my mistake. It was too late. He wouldn't speak to me on that stage. Our voices didn't line up like they normally did, and the look on his face...
[His fingers have curled again, and he has to force them relaxed, breathing out.]
I should have simply allowed myself to go to karaoke with him, and enjoy our youth. Instead, I took things too seriously and couldn't look away. It wasn't a change of mind, or heart, but a realization of a multitude of huge mistakes that couldn't be fixed, you see.
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tipping his head forward, ryuu touches his brow to eichi's as a way of keeping them both centered. ]
It sounds like you've been punishing yourself enough, so I won't do it too.
[ he's calm and evenly keeled - acknowledging the faults without deepening them. ]
You're a human too. Those bonds you had will turn into scars, eventually. You may not like to talk about them much, but humans heal from even the most terrible and frustrating experiences... you have that capability. So do the people who were hurt.
[ it's part of what makes ryuu who he is, believing what he does: what's stronger than the human heart, which survives in spite of being broken over and over? ]
Everyone has the right to keep living through those things. So, I think you'll be okay.
no subject
My dream was to clean up that school. At the time, it did nothing for those students looking to graduate and enter the idol industry. The program was broken, relying on things like money over talent, allowing people to slack and skate by on the successes of others. I don't believe that what I did was wrong, but the path I took to achieve it...
I felt that it was the only choice. It wasn't the nice path laid out by storybooks and fairy tales. It led me waist deep through a sea of blood. There were selfish desires mixed in, as well, of course... I wanted to think that even someone sickly like myself could achieve something that grand. That I could rise above those so effortlessly talented who were at the top of the school and have them on their knees, all so that I could feel some ounce of self worth.
Wataru was one of those Five Eccentrics that I set up and then burned down, you know? To this day, I'm still not sure why he chose to follow me to fine.
[It's probably like 3am and he's here giving a monologue no matter how much Ryuu says "you did wrong but it's okay." It's not so easy for him to shake, or comprehend. He still doesn't get people.]
It feels in poor taste to say that I should have to "heal" from anything when I'm the one who created this revolution to start. [He sighs, and finally glances back over.]
I already tasted an embarrassing defeat in retribution. Yet somehow, I am okay... I'm surrounded by such warm presences. No matter what you're saying now, it feels as if you'll all shatter and blow away in the wind if I grow too close.
[Dramatic wording, but Ryuu is roped in that statement too— in other words, he thinks he can't possibly deserve to heal or have this, he doesn't understand it, so it must be fake somewhere, it must end somewhere. Right? He's still back and forth on this.]
I'm sorry. This isn't something that I should be troubling with, but you're kindly offering to listen and I can't resist it... I'm a terrible person, Ryuu-kun.
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[ once eichi's pulled away, ryuu leans up onto his elbow. he's still positioned below him, looking up, eyes pleading but also somehow strong. ]
You wouldn't be having these nightmares if you weren't still hurting somewhere, or afraid of being hurt. Or even hurting others.
[ with his free hand, he reaches up, curling his fingertips into eichi's hair by his ear, palm coming to rest on the contour of his cheek. ]
Whether it was a misunderstanding that lead to all those terrible things or something else, it's hurt people who hurt others. Maybe the reasons aren't things that can be justified or forgiven... but what amazing things can you do for others if you're still holding so tightly to these kinds of feelings, somewhere inside you?
[ of course, not everyone wants to toe that ledge and look down into the waiting chasm, but ryuu isn't so preoccupied with that thought. the way he sees it, the only way the people who are still around eichi won't blow away entirely is if the cracks he has dwelling inside of him are patched up rather than left to yawn wide and aching. ]
You love being an idol, don't you? You want to make people smile, right?
[ he's really searching his eyes. ]
I want you to face me at your brightest.
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[He loves being an idol. He wants to make people smile, no matter what. The touch to the side of his head and face is so gentle that he's frozen by it, meeting Ryuu's eyes with his own, widened slightly with genuine emotion.]
I do. It was seeing those shining idols on stage that gave meaning to my life, and I'd like to create the same feeling in others. To have people stretching to reach what seems impossible, to make it seem as though it's easy.
[His hand reaches up to cover Ryuu's, a feather light touch.]
But I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I never want to take precious friendships for granted. I don't want to end up alone.
I believe that you're saying I shouldn't hold onto those feelings, but... do I have the right to let them go? Isn't that the same as casting the suffering of everyone else aside? For those who are too eager to forgive, especially...
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[ his hand is sleep-warm and steady, not as tense for eichi's admittance. ]
Because you're an idol, you should pour all those things into your songs and dances. Everything - your worries, your regrets, your wishes. If you think it seems impossible to let go of those feelings, do it in a way that shows you're serious. Do what seems impossible with your whole heart, and no one will be able to look away from you.
[ and for eichi, there's nothing he approaches more seriously than being an idol worthy of following, of listening to, is there? ryuu thinks so. ]
Whether or not those people you're trying to apologize to accept it, if they're idols, they'll understand. I think you can do that.
...and when you've made mistakes that can't be taken back, the most important thing you can face the world with is love.
[ not remorse, or bitterness, or fear. ]
That's the precious kind of rival I want to have.
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It's not going to make the nightmares stop. It's not going to make him stop feeling bad. But... he thinks it might help him with a step towards those things. And maybe, even if more people like Leo appear who forget everything about what they worked out, he won't have to fumble nearly as much with trying to understand how to move forward. Maybe he can go to karaoke with Tsumugi now, even if it won't make up for the past. Things like that... little bits of happiness like that should be okay for him to chase, right?
To be honest, he's at a loss for words for once. It's a rare thing, though it matches with the fact that normally, the less he says, the more he's thinking. He has to react somehow, though, and so with a gentle smile, he lets his hand slip away from Ryuu's and then leans forward instead...
To fall into him for a hug so suddenly that it might even be enough to knock Ryuu off the arm propping him up. Love... He does love this world and everyone in it. He decided that after a lot of struggling with it. Trickstar had helped with that, too. The new fine, as well. The next time he's woken from a nightmare, he'll try to remember these words, even if he's alone in the moment...
So after a deep breath, he does add:] Thank you.
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the world isn't often a kind place, but it's worth loving, to him. there's too much he loves in it to think otherwise, and his embrace is trying to convey that with every ounce of helpful strength he has. eichi is young. that world is at his fingertips. if he can see him grasp it, it'd have all been worth it. ]
I told you, didn't I?
[ he buries his face comfortably into his shoulder. ]
Anytime.
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[Everything is warm, and he laughs into the tumble, but his face is the hottest right now. So reassuring... It's everything he's always wanted to hear that everyone else seems to struggle with. Because he's difficult to speak to? Because he attracts tsunderes? He's not really sure.
But it's so comforting. Ryuu's presence is so comforting... He tugs him as close as he can, legs shifting to bury themselves more beneath the covers, tangling with Ryuu's.]
You did tell me that. [Quietly, he says that, squeezing him right back.]
I think I can rest easy, after hearing that. [He's honestly so, so tired... His grip is already slipping a little to show that, eyes drifting closed.] You should go back to sleep now, as well... Ahh, you're so warm.
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You're warm too. [ it's enough to hold him without a meandering touch this time. he closes his eyes, smiling a bit. ] Okay, just a couple more hours.
[ with a nod and a tuck of the blankets around them more snugly, ryuu sighs out something that's nearly half a yawn. ]
Goodnight, Eichi-kun.